Should you dance in nightclubs? Q&A

Question

(I had an interesting experience last night, and while I'm willing to set it aside and not dwell on it, first I want to learn the lessons from it. There are some questions I ask along the way, but in the spirit of "swimming in it," there are going to be some things that I've missed. If so, please point them out to me.)

There was an 80s dance party last night, and I decided to go. The idea was to have fun, to dance, and to try staying as present and grounded as I could. I was going to go with a friend, but at the last minute he was unable to join me. I got there about 10, the music was OK, and I started dancing.

At first, while dancing by myself, I felt uncomfortable when I wasn't sure where to look. I wasn't feeling comfortable with scanning the crowd, like some hunter. I solved it by not really looking at anyone. Did it matter?

Dancing, I caught the eye of a cute girl who was dancing too. She posed with me for pictures, and we exchanged a few questions. She asked where I was from, who I was there with. She went to the bar with her friend, but made it a point to ask my name. I told her it; she said she was Dana.

Later I ran into Dana, and she was with a cute friend in a red blouse. Red danced with me too, and I was trying to figure out which I liked better. Red asked me who I was there with, and I had to say again that I was alone. On later reflection I thought that perhaps that was supposed to be a hint that they were interested, but that with two of them they needed another guy. Was that a correct interpretation for a girl asking who you're there with? If so, what do you do if you're alone?

Alone with Dana, she wasn't dancing much any more but smiled at me and told me to dance. That landed with a thud inside me, echoing ideas of a "monkey boy", dancing for her entertainment. I wandered off to dance elsewhere, but could see what was going on. Various things happened, and I can't keep the order straight. There was a point where Red and Dana were talking, and there was a voice in me that was saying that I had to do something, that I had to act, but I couldn't think of anything. Eventually some guys came over to them, talked to them, and they all left. I get the feeling on reflection that by the time you get a panicked "you have to say something" feeling, it's too late. True? Is there something I should have/could have done in that situation?

It was pretty late, and I was constantly thinking about going home. There was a group of girls dancing, and it was clear that their boyfriends were sitting in the nearby booth. There were two blondes and as I danced by, singing along, I caught the attention of one of them. Eventually both went to their boyfriends, apparently got some kind of permission, and started dancing with me. Near the end, George Michael's Faith came on, and the other blonde and I did this long, interpretive-style dance.

Turns out they were in from Connecticut for one of the girl's birthdays and they invited me to tag along in their limo as they went to a different place. I got in, but everyone decided to call it a night since they were tired. I was fine with that.

We had small talk. Both blondes were taken (one boyfriend, one husband). One asked me if I were straight or gay. I said straight. She said that, because I could dance, I'd make some girl very happy one day. They dropped me off at my place.

That comment still is bothering me. The combined parts of not knowing that I'm straight, and that it's a safe assumption to make that I'm single irk me. Is dancing a feminine thing? I've noticed in a lot of dance places that the guys are sitting while their girls dance.

I get this feeling that when it comes to dance places, I'm missing something. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks.


My Answer

There are some great questions in here I've always wanted to address in the past but never really knew exactly what they were. I'm so glad you posted this.

Sounds like you had a really positive learning experience to say the least on this night out. It obviously could have gone better but you did end up interacting with a number of beautiful women, pushed your comfort zone in the face of tension, got a ride home in a limo, etc. Good Job!

So here's the thing about dancing. Its different for men and women. Feminine women love to dance because it makes them feel alive and radiant. Masculine men on the other hand like to dance for different reasons or don't like to dance at all. I personally only like to dance if I'm pretty drunk, and the only dancing I really like is dancing with a woman. Dancing alone is not something that seems fun to me. There are different types of dancing that effect your ability to be grounded. Have you ever seen a native american dance? The women flow and show of for the men while they barely move to the music. Then the women stop and the men start stomping their feet on the ground. Its a very masculine type of dance the men do, it makes them more grounded, centered and present. Now if you are dancing all crazy to 80's music, how grounded and manly do you think you are going to look, especially if you are dancing alone? This is probably why they thought you might be gay. It was a good thing you weren't scanning the crowd like a hunter, women pick up on this and it turns them off completely. When Red asked you if you were alone, she was seeking rapport, so I would take that as a sign she is interested, but its hard to say.

"I get the feeling on reflection that by the time you get a panicked "you have to say something" feeling, it's too late. True? Is there something I should have/could have done in that situation?"

This is a pretty accurate statement. Its really important that you can notice when the energy is about to die in a conversation. I either say something totally random/wierd/funny to boost the energy or go to the bathroom.

The blondes dancing with you was interesting. I'm guessing that they thought you were harmless, as did their boyfriends so they danced with you because you were having fun and wanted to join in. As I said earlier, they felt you were harmless because of the lack of masculine energy you were exuding through your dancing, which isn't really your fault, it was 80's music. I wouldn't worry about looking gay, the only reason they asked is because of your tricky dance moves.

I hope I answered all your questions.