"Lets Just Be Friends"

Hi Rob, Hope your excellent. So I'll start by giving you some background information. I met a girl though some friends one night and ended up with a date with her the next day. We went out for lunch and it was good conversation, I was teasing her a bunch in a playful way and she was all smiles etc. So a few days later I went on another date with her and she came over and we watched a movie and we flirted and made out etc and she ended up sleeping over. We didn't hook up but did fool around. Anyways the morning after I said goodbye to her and we kissed/hugged some more and she left and it was all great.

The following two weeks I had final exams so I couldn't see her, so I would call her every 3 days to talk on the phone to try and keep some momentum cause after exams finished I wanted to date this girl. Shes a quality girl who's genuine, fun, emotionally mature and is going somewhere in life.

Aside from that she just got out of a 3 year long relationship with a guy. When I met her, it was a month after breaking up with him. She is 19 and I am 22. So anyways, near the end of finals week, I found out that she is dating someone(not her old bf) and at first i was a little sad but remembered not to get one-i-tus and just go meet more women so the following few days I went out sarging and ended up meeting a few more physically attractive women but the thing is, they would all have problems that I felt made them not girl friend material. Like they did drugs or weren't going anywhere in life (like not going to school or have a plan etc). So after after a few days I was like Forget this crap I still want that chick.

So I call her up and we go to Starbucks today and at first I wanted to her come to my house but she insisted on Starbucks and said we can talk there first. So I had this gut feeling that I was gonna get the lets just be friends thing because I know she just started seeing a guy so I re watched your thing on you tube with how to handle that.

So I watched and understood it because I still wanted to say what I would be feeling at the moment and not just recite lines to her and so yeah I go to Starbucks. We start talking and I get her laughing again and its good conversation as usual and eventually after half an hour it goes to talking about where we are at. Cause I know she has feelings for me, she even told me she did but she is seeing this guy and shes confused etc. So here it came, she asked if I wanted to still be friends and I told her it its complicated...like yes and no...like I like you and I want you in my life...but..It wouldn't be fair to you or to me because I know I would secretly be wanting to have you as my girl.and so then she told me she didn't know what to say, so I kept looking her in the eyes and told her what I thought about her. I told her I thought she was a quality girl, I told her I like being around her, I like the way she smiles, I told her she was special. I told her I felt like she brings the best out in me when shes around and I like her. And she smiled and she told me well I think your a great guy too, in fact your one of the coolest guys I know, and I want you to be happy..I never meant for things to happen like this..like I still want to see u still but if its gonna make you feel bad because I'm seeing someone when we hangout then I don't want you to be unhappy.

So eventually after going back n forth with trying to understand each other it basically came to, she still wants me in her life and I want that too and I let her know that I still want to hangout with her, and if she ever breaks up with this new guy, I don't want to be in the friend zone. I told her "Cause I know theres something there between us, and she agreed" So yeah that was about it. So my game plan is to call her in the next few days because I said I would and we might go hangout for a bit and yeah, I plan on going out and meeting more girls and continue on with life and at the same time still hangout with her.

Anyways Rob, I strongly felt like you should be the guy I tell this too, cause I have a lot of respect for what you say about these things and I wanted your advice and opinion on the whole thing. Thanks, I appreciate it.




Hey Xeo,

Thanks for the detailed report. There is a lot going on here that I want to touch on.

Overall, I think you handled the situation very well. I want to touch on something a little bit in the "out there" category because I think it played a major role in what happened. Notice how all of your actions, the energy you put out there and your thoughts were all within the context of the question you were asking yourself: "How can I keep this girl and make her my girlfriend?" Or something similar to this. When you do that, you are operating inside of an agenda. Have you ever noticed when someone seems to have an agenda while interacting with you? A pushy salesman is a great example, there is just something off about the whole interaction and you often feel pressured. My gut feeling from reading your post is that this is the reason she pulled away and put you in the friends zone. The same thing happened with my last girlfriend Jamie as you witnessed in the video on youtube. There was nothing I specifically said or obviously did to tell her that I wanted to make her my girlfriend but she could feel the energy I was giving off. Women are way more in touch with their feelings and emotions and can read these subtle shifts in energy much better then men. Most are completely unconscious and have no idea that they are capable of this but they can feel when something "Just doesn't feel right."

The lesson to learn from this is to slow down the next time you meet a girl that knocks your socks off. Even if you are crazy about her, take your time, don't call her every 3 days to keep her interested. What you really need to do is grounding exercises. When you feel that needyness, that desire to see her, to know what she's doing, to find out if shes interested or how interested, feel those emotions and ground into them. Are they feelings of anxiety, nervousness, tension? Think of them not as negative things, but as fuel and shoot them into the ground through your legs. Feel your legs and imagine you have roots growing out of your feet into the ground, like a tree and feel you power as a man. If you do this correctly, you may feel a little dizzy or the room might get blurry. Try to get into this state the next time you are about to approach a woman. When you feel that tension, keep sending it into the ground through your body rather then releasing it from your head through nervous ticks, movements and jitters. I know this may be a little confusing because you won't really get what grounding is until you experience it but I hope you get the idea. Instead of the frame I mentioned above try on a new one like "I am an attractive man that chooses when I want to be in a relationship."

Here's a story for you. A married couple that my parents are friends with have a great relationship and they once told me how they got together. They lived in the same building in college and he took her on a date. Things went great and as the night was winding down they were riding in the elevator full of people. When he got off on his floor he turned around looked at and said "I cant believe you are fucking pregnant" right as the door shut! She was then stuck in the elevator full of strangers, feeling super awkward. LOL!!! She didn't hear from him for 2 months until one night he came barging into her apartment with a friend. She was having some people over and was with a date herself, sitting and talking with her date on the couch. He came over and plopped himself on the couch right between her and her date and just started gabbing away. They were married a few months later.

Moral of the story: Don't have an agenda. Later on, he told me that he was dating a lot but knew his wife was something special after the first date. But he didn't get needy and try to reel her in. He knew that it would all work out and it did, on his terms when he was ready. Like I said, its all about the energy you put out there.

Im not gonna tell you to do anything specific if this happens again because every situation is different and that will only lead to another agenda based interaction. If you want this girl then I would suggest you move on. Give her the gift of missing you, but dont be a dick. Just focus your energy on other women because if you keep chasing her, she will get less and less attracted. You never know what will happen, she liked you once, there is a good chance she may like you again.

Hope that helps, let me know if you have any questions.

Grounding

Have you ever heard a woman say "I just want a guy that is grounded?" If you have, then that is a woman that knows what she is talking about. Recently, I've been doing a ton of work on grounding with my students and on myself. The changes I've seen have been incredible in a very short amount of time.

Yesterday I was with a client at 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica. I didn't tell him why I was taking him there but he assumed that I was going to make him do approaches and he was incredibly nervous. He couldn't eat because he was so anxious about what I was going to make him do. Sending a guy like this to approach women is pretty much a complete waste of time. Chances are, he is going to start awkward conversations due to his nervousness and get rejected time after time. This will hurt his self esteem and make him even more scared or even worse, numb to the whole experience. If you are reading this and you identify with a guy like this then this is for you. STOP mindlessly approaching women to get over your approach anxiety. You need to start grounding!

So what is grounding? Here is my brilliant definition: Grounding is being connected to the ground! LOL wasn't that profound?!

But here is the magic. To connect to the ground, you must be in your body. As you are reading this, can you feel the ground with your feet? Take a deep breath and breath the air all the way through your body, all the way down to your feet and feel the Earth's support below you. The more grounded you can be in tense situations, like meeting women, the less nervous you will become. When you get nervous, take a deep breath and picture all that nervous energy shooting through your legs into the ground. I know, this may sound super cheeseballish and weird, but it works, TRUST ME!!! Look at a guy in uniform, is he grounded? He is like a rock, and women can trust him. How about a computer geek, how grounded is he? If you want a great exercise, go out to a shopping mall or somewhere there are lots of people. Watch people and notice how grounded they are. How are they moving? Are they jittery? Are they graceful? Are they masculine, feminine? Notice the couples and especially the guys with beautiful women. Notice how they move, and how they lead. You will notice that they may not be good looking, but they have a certain way about them. I bet they aren't scared of confrontation. If you want more exercises or a free dating consultation, drop me an email at robbie@innerconfidence.com and we'll talk.

You Are A Creepy Weirdo!

Are you worried about being a creepy guy or creeping girls out? If you are, then stop it! The more you worry about being creepy, the worse you will get with women. When you are worried about this, you will stop yourself from leaning into your comfort zone and you will not grow. In order to improve, you must push your comfort zone. When you are worried about being creepy or calibrating, you stifle yourself from taking action and you just get more in your head.

Lets take a worst case scenario. When you go balls to the wall and decide to not give a fuck about being creepy, you might creep some women out but who cares? It doesn't mean anything about you and at least you are learning your limits, what works and what doesn't. I took some workshops way back in the day that really focused on calibration, being socially acceptable and avoiding creeping girls out. It made me way worse because I stopped taking risks. When you stop taking risks, you stop growing. So hopefully I have beaten you over the head with this by now but just in case, STOP worrying about how you look, and STOP worrying about creeping girls out. In fact I would even recommend going out to intentionally be awkward and creep people out just to get over your embarrassment. It can be really fun, especially if you have a friend to support you who is fun. I have a buddy named Ben who loves to just go out and say/do funny shit. He doesn't care what people think of him and he always has fun, and he gets tons of women. What might creep one girl out, might make another extremely hot for you. Just go for it.

F*ck Me Eyes

Here is a great story posted on the Inner Confidence Forums:

Recently I met my old friend luis, who is a famous soccer agent in Brazil, he was the one who brought Adriano to inter milan, and sent him back to Brazil. He is also a pretty good friend with Christiano Ronaldo, probably the Mr. Futbol of 2008.

We spent an afternoon in Denver just catching up with each other and our conversation went to pickup and seduction. He told me a story of Ronaldo when they met in LA last year..

Ronaldo is a well known womanizer in Europa thanks to his fame, but he isn't about pickup, cuz he does occasionally spend 2000 Pounds to sleep with some hookers, nevertheless, he is good with women..

Luis told me that when Ronaldo went to LA for his knee surgury, he spent a week in hollywood trying to pickup American girls. What he does is that he'd go to the beach, and just lay on the sand with his sunglasses on and do nothing... He knows he is not well known in America like David Beckham, so he didn't wanna approach. But every time he saw girl that he wanna sleep with, he would take off his sunglasses and look at her trying to catch her eyes. When that does happen, he would give her a naughty smirk and a quiet blink. According to Luis, all South American men are good at this.. For Ronaldo, since he's been doing it since 14, when he did it in LA, 5 out of 6 girls would turn back and approach him..

Even though Ronaldo plays for Man Utd, but his English sucks. So he would try to speak English, but then he would whisper at girls in Portugese, if she hasn't been melt, then she would, because according to all the chicks, his Portugese sounds so sexy.. Just by doing that, He was able to get 7 different girls on 7 different days in the row, only after sex, the girls would find out that he play pretty good soccer in England. One girl did say to him that she liked Fernando Torres, Ronaldo just roll his eyes and still fucked her..

I told Luis that what I learned from PU was that u have to kino and escalate. He was laughting like hell and said that maybe only Americans need to do that. According to him, Americans are very sexually depressed, and even touching a girls fingertip means a lot to them, that's why they need to Kino.. But in South AMerica, everybody touches each other on daily basis, so kino doesn't mean anything. But what does mean a lot is how to look at a woman, the eye contact, it can touch a girl without physically touching her.

All Brazilian players pretty much use the same approach and they would get hooked up left and right in Europa no matter how white, dark they are, famous or not, it doesn't matter..

Luis showed me how he used to check out girls too. According to him, it's kinda like giving her a signal that others don't know what it is, only she knows. Kinda like when you wanna have sex with your girlfriend, u just give her that type of look, and she will understand.

After all, these guys are soccer stars anyways, they like to play balls...

FEARING/RESISTING THE FEAR

Hear is a great reframe I want to share with you. I learned this in the IL Program of Landmark and its been a great tool ever since.

Lets look at fear. What is fear? Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

The number one thing men fear is failure. What is the big deal about failure? Well, when you do something and fail to succeed, you always tell yourself the same thing afteward. “I failed” or “I am a failure.” Lets really look at this language. The word “I” implies yourself and you are a human being. So what your are really saying when you say “I failed,” is the “I” that is myself failed as a human being. In order to fail as a human being you must cease to be. Therefore, the only real way you can fail as a human being is to die.

So lets say your goal for the night was to go out and get five phone numbers from beautiful women. When the night ends, you end up with zero and you tell yourself, I am a failure with women! This is crazy!!!!! You didn’t fail, you simply had a breakdown in performance. You failed to perform the necessary tasks that it took to get 5 phone numbers. If you simply shift your context from “I failed” to “I had a breakdown in performance,” you will see massive results in a short period of time because you are taking fear out of the equation.

If I am your coach, and I asked why you didn’t get 5 phone numbers and you told me “I only talked to 3 women.” I am going to ask you if you are crazy. So rather then beating yourself up and calling yourself a failure, all you need to do is chance your actions so that next time, you will be more likely to fulfill on your intended outcome. Now that you are not afraid of failing, because it doesn’t exist, what is there to fear? Simply take the actions inline with your desired outcome and analyze your results. If they aren't up to par, change the actions. Simple huh?