"Lets Just Be Friends"

Hi Rob, Hope your excellent. So I'll start by giving you some background information. I met a girl though some friends one night and ended up with a date with her the next day. We went out for lunch and it was good conversation, I was teasing her a bunch in a playful way and she was all smiles etc. So a few days later I went on another date with her and she came over and we watched a movie and we flirted and made out etc and she ended up sleeping over. We didn't hook up but did fool around. Anyways the morning after I said goodbye to her and we kissed/hugged some more and she left and it was all great.

The following two weeks I had final exams so I couldn't see her, so I would call her every 3 days to talk on the phone to try and keep some momentum cause after exams finished I wanted to date this girl. Shes a quality girl who's genuine, fun, emotionally mature and is going somewhere in life.

Aside from that she just got out of a 3 year long relationship with a guy. When I met her, it was a month after breaking up with him. She is 19 and I am 22. So anyways, near the end of finals week, I found out that she is dating someone(not her old bf) and at first i was a little sad but remembered not to get one-i-tus and just go meet more women so the following few days I went out sarging and ended up meeting a few more physically attractive women but the thing is, they would all have problems that I felt made them not girl friend material. Like they did drugs or weren't going anywhere in life (like not going to school or have a plan etc). So after after a few days I was like Forget this crap I still want that chick.

So I call her up and we go to Starbucks today and at first I wanted to her come to my house but she insisted on Starbucks and said we can talk there first. So I had this gut feeling that I was gonna get the lets just be friends thing because I know she just started seeing a guy so I re watched your thing on you tube with how to handle that.

So I watched and understood it because I still wanted to say what I would be feeling at the moment and not just recite lines to her and so yeah I go to Starbucks. We start talking and I get her laughing again and its good conversation as usual and eventually after half an hour it goes to talking about where we are at. Cause I know she has feelings for me, she even told me she did but she is seeing this guy and shes confused etc. So here it came, she asked if I wanted to still be friends and I told her it its complicated...like yes and no...like I like you and I want you in my life...but..It wouldn't be fair to you or to me because I know I would secretly be wanting to have you as my girl.and so then she told me she didn't know what to say, so I kept looking her in the eyes and told her what I thought about her. I told her I thought she was a quality girl, I told her I like being around her, I like the way she smiles, I told her she was special. I told her I felt like she brings the best out in me when shes around and I like her. And she smiled and she told me well I think your a great guy too, in fact your one of the coolest guys I know, and I want you to be happy..I never meant for things to happen like this..like I still want to see u still but if its gonna make you feel bad because I'm seeing someone when we hangout then I don't want you to be unhappy.

So eventually after going back n forth with trying to understand each other it basically came to, she still wants me in her life and I want that too and I let her know that I still want to hangout with her, and if she ever breaks up with this new guy, I don't want to be in the friend zone. I told her "Cause I know theres something there between us, and she agreed" So yeah that was about it. So my game plan is to call her in the next few days because I said I would and we might go hangout for a bit and yeah, I plan on going out and meeting more girls and continue on with life and at the same time still hangout with her.

Anyways Rob, I strongly felt like you should be the guy I tell this too, cause I have a lot of respect for what you say about these things and I wanted your advice and opinion on the whole thing. Thanks, I appreciate it.




Hey Xeo,

Thanks for the detailed report. There is a lot going on here that I want to touch on.

Overall, I think you handled the situation very well. I want to touch on something a little bit in the "out there" category because I think it played a major role in what happened. Notice how all of your actions, the energy you put out there and your thoughts were all within the context of the question you were asking yourself: "How can I keep this girl and make her my girlfriend?" Or something similar to this. When you do that, you are operating inside of an agenda. Have you ever noticed when someone seems to have an agenda while interacting with you? A pushy salesman is a great example, there is just something off about the whole interaction and you often feel pressured. My gut feeling from reading your post is that this is the reason she pulled away and put you in the friends zone. The same thing happened with my last girlfriend Jamie as you witnessed in the video on youtube. There was nothing I specifically said or obviously did to tell her that I wanted to make her my girlfriend but she could feel the energy I was giving off. Women are way more in touch with their feelings and emotions and can read these subtle shifts in energy much better then men. Most are completely unconscious and have no idea that they are capable of this but they can feel when something "Just doesn't feel right."

The lesson to learn from this is to slow down the next time you meet a girl that knocks your socks off. Even if you are crazy about her, take your time, don't call her every 3 days to keep her interested. What you really need to do is grounding exercises. When you feel that needyness, that desire to see her, to know what she's doing, to find out if shes interested or how interested, feel those emotions and ground into them. Are they feelings of anxiety, nervousness, tension? Think of them not as negative things, but as fuel and shoot them into the ground through your legs. Feel your legs and imagine you have roots growing out of your feet into the ground, like a tree and feel you power as a man. If you do this correctly, you may feel a little dizzy or the room might get blurry. Try to get into this state the next time you are about to approach a woman. When you feel that tension, keep sending it into the ground through your body rather then releasing it from your head through nervous ticks, movements and jitters. I know this may be a little confusing because you won't really get what grounding is until you experience it but I hope you get the idea. Instead of the frame I mentioned above try on a new one like "I am an attractive man that chooses when I want to be in a relationship."

Here's a story for you. A married couple that my parents are friends with have a great relationship and they once told me how they got together. They lived in the same building in college and he took her on a date. Things went great and as the night was winding down they were riding in the elevator full of people. When he got off on his floor he turned around looked at and said "I cant believe you are fucking pregnant" right as the door shut! She was then stuck in the elevator full of strangers, feeling super awkward. LOL!!! She didn't hear from him for 2 months until one night he came barging into her apartment with a friend. She was having some people over and was with a date herself, sitting and talking with her date on the couch. He came over and plopped himself on the couch right between her and her date and just started gabbing away. They were married a few months later.

Moral of the story: Don't have an agenda. Later on, he told me that he was dating a lot but knew his wife was something special after the first date. But he didn't get needy and try to reel her in. He knew that it would all work out and it did, on his terms when he was ready. Like I said, its all about the energy you put out there.

Im not gonna tell you to do anything specific if this happens again because every situation is different and that will only lead to another agenda based interaction. If you want this girl then I would suggest you move on. Give her the gift of missing you, but dont be a dick. Just focus your energy on other women because if you keep chasing her, she will get less and less attracted. You never know what will happen, she liked you once, there is a good chance she may like you again.

Hope that helps, let me know if you have any questions.